How Romance Scammers Use 'Love Bombing' to Steal Your Heart (and, often, Money)

Step 1: Information gathering. The scammer will start digging for information to manipulate you and understand vulnerabilities. Some may find love bombing off-putting, but others crave the attention. That’s the scammer’s target. “They’ll test the waters and do it broadly until [they find] a hit,” says Kelly Campbell, a psychology professor at California State University, San Bernardino, who studies catfishing. “A secure person is not usually going to be as responsive to a too-much, too-soon type of thing like love bombing. But an insecure person is more likely to be attracted to it or to stick around, because they’re afraid it’ll go away.”

Step 2: Devaluing you. Losing that flood of attention is typically the next stage. After the onslaught of adoration, the scammers embrace what psychologists call “devaluing.” “The person may withhold love and affection, or become critical, or gaslight you,” says Rachel Noble, a licensed therapist who runs Noble Practice, a D.C.-based therapy and psychiatry group. “They may punish you and blame you for problems in the relationship, which can trigger abandonment issues you might have. If you fear abandonment or feel like you’re never good enough in your personal relationships, you’re much more likely to fall prey to these tactics.”

The scammer might even suddenly vanish. This ghosting can make the victim feel desperate, scared, and unworthy, which gives the scammer psychological and emotional power. Rowe experienced this with Antony, who abruptly disappeared for a weekend. “After that intense attention and affection, where you’re never out of their thoughts, they will go quiet and you panic that you’ve done something wrong to lose that incredible connection,” Noble says. “It knocks you back and you think, ‘What did I do? What did I say?’”

Step 3: Control. When they return or become affectionate again, the scammer will likely assert more control over the victim, whose levels of anxiety and fear are now elevated. This process can go on for months or even years. Some scammers, like Rowe’s love bomber, are seeking not money, but sexual conquests.

Many are after cash, and will eventually say they need money to buy a plane ticket or to address a health problem, for instance. They may try to woo victims into bogus cryptocurrency investments. (In these cases, love bombing is part of a process known as financial grooming. Criminals refer to it as pig butchering.)

How to identify and avoid love bombers

Know their tactics. Before the love bombing starts, scammers often fish for information about their victims. But they don’t simply ask questions. “A lot of people think that catfishers only ask about you but don’t tell you anything about themselves. That’s not how it works,” Rowe says. “They often open up about themselves first because it gives you permission to open up about your background, too.” They may also seek to build what Rowe calls the trauma bond. You might both know someone who had cancer, for example. Scammers can exploit those supposedly shared experiences, so be careful how much you reveal initially to your new suitor and don’t overshare on social media.

Be wary of speed. For scammers, love bombing is about getting you invested in the relationship — fast. But that speed is also a warning sign. “When someone comes on that fast and that strong, it’s inherently inauthentic because they don’t know you,” Noble says. “You’re either dealing with a scammer or with someone who is mentally unstable. Either way, it’s a red flag.”

Understand love bombing’s power. Adoration and affection can “fire a whole neural network of pleasure receptors,” says Noble. And love bombing’s intensity can increase the intensity of the response. If the chemical response in a normal relationship is like the amount of caffeine in a latte, “being in a relationship with one of these individuals is like having a triple espresso,” Rowe says. “It’s intense and powerful to the point of being overwhelming.

Trust your gut. If you find yourself asking, “Is something off here? Is this all happening too fast?” your instincts are probably right. If something feels off, talk with a friend or family member, Rowe suggests. An outside perspective may reveal warning signs you hadn’t noticed.

Resources

The better informed you are about what scams are happening out there and how they work, the less likely you are to be a victim. Here are a few podcasts that describe scam scenarios and how to protect yourself:

Reporting scams: If you spot a scam or have been victim of one, report it to local law enforcement and the Federal Bureau of Investigation’s Internet Crime Complaint Center at IC3.gov.

Victim support: The AARP Fraud Watch Network Helpline, 877-908-3360, is a free resource; call to speak with trained fraud specialists who provide support and guidance on what to do next and how to avoid scams in the future. The AARP Fraud Watch Network also offers free online group support sessions.

The Perfect Scam: AARP’s award-winning podcast features people who have experienced fraud, including romance scams, and experts dedicated to fraud prevention.